Halifax is a strange little town famed historically
for sock-suspenders and toffee making. It is situated to the west of this
rather large and sprawling county and was in fact the centre of wool production
from the Middle Ages onwards. It also boasts a beautiful Minister, several
black-pudding drive-bys and a number of Las Vegas themed bingo halls whose
callers (being local celebrities) are ferried about in stretch-Volvos. It is in
many ways an archetypal Yorkshire town with an abundance of sheep, sensible
shoes and undulating moors.
However,
Halifax is not adverse to controversy and in fact became infamous in the late
19th century for its famous markets displaying oddly formed
root-vegetables. There subsequently arose
a demand for some kind of prize to be awarded for the most lewdly shaped and ill-proportioned
item from the region’s gardens, allotments and greenhouses. As a result various
obscene looking spuds, marrows and turnips were paraded for the delectation of
society ladies and clergy who gazed longingly through the mist of a
precariously balanced pince-nez.
This
regional interest in the suggestively misshapen was actually spearheaded by the
Victorian horticulturist, the Rev. Wilberforce Shagmoor. And, I believe, in the
Town Hall there still hangs a daguerreotype photograph of the aforementioned
gentleman, brandishing a rather rude looking aubergine whilst fondling a couple
of Lady Balfours just to complete the ensemble. It is fair to say that the Rev. Shagmore was,
indeed, an odd gentleman who hobbled around Halifax on two artificial legs (and
real feet) after being grievously wounded whilst administering to his flock during
the Crimean War. He was however eventually defrocked when he was found in a
compromising position with Lady Winifred’s favourite pony, in possession of a
selection of lurid etchings and a bottle of shampoo. The Reverend’s plea - that
he yearned for a “stable relationship” - cut little sway with the court and he was
subsequently transported in 1867.
Ironically
the town’s horticultural prowess is foreshadowed (or perhaps referenced) in a
medieval text attributed to Bartholomeus Anglicus. In his early compendium, the
encyclopaedic De
proprietatibus rerum (‘The Order of Things’) he refers to Halifax as ‘halh-gefeaxe,’
meaning an "area of coarse grass and
bruised plums.” Bede insists in his much earlier work Historia ecclesiastica
gentis Anglorum that the name is derived from the Old
English ‘halig’ (holy) and ‘feax’ (hair), which alludes to the
supposed presence of the head of John
the Baptist which was believed to be kept in a
local church. However, during the Reformation it was discovered to be a large
turnip with matted foliage on which some enterprising priest had scribed an
angelic expression with a permanent marker.
This region, Halifax in particular, is
renowned for its innovators: bong-fuddling and perch-racing as national
past-times sprung from this area as well as the easy-peel corned beef tin, which was
invented by a local factory worker after losing three pints of blood trying to
open a conventional key-operated can. Also the doogle-berry press and bunion pads
are also just some of the items that have a claim on West-Yorkshire as their place
of origin. And, as well as the invention
of various knick-knacks, the town can also declare itself home to the first man in space, a Mr Archibald Butterworth
of Thorndale Crescent and not the Russian Yuri Gagarin as is generally believed.
Mr Butterworth was catapulted into the
stratosphere (almost fifty years prior to Mr Gagarin’s launch) with the help of
an old bed sheet and one of his wife’s discarded corsets. Ecstatic astronomers at the time, believing
they’d actually caught a glimpse of the celebrated Hayley’s comet in 1910, didn’t
realise they actually had their telescopes trained on Mr Butterworth as he
soared across the night sky.
Another
radical break with convention occurred in 1952 when a law was passed, to
re-define marriage to enable some of the locals to marry livestock, as sheep
outnumbered people 3-to-1. However it wasn’t until 2001 that the first
inter-species ceremony took place, with Mr Arthur Thuttock of Halifax marrying
Geraldine (formerly of Haymarket Pastures) at his local Anglican Church. The
Reverend Tracy Semgmore was said to be delighted at the union as a “symbol of
equality” and indeed “the hallmark of a tolerant and inclusive society.”
Geraldine wore white (naturally) and despite eating the bouquet breezed through
the ceremony encouraged up the aisle with fistfuls of dried grass and fresh
parsley.
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